I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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