Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The struggles of a small town man whore
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
