Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
