i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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