bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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