Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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