This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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