im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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