I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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