There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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