Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
