literally had 100 drinks last night.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
