Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
