Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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