Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
