What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
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He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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