It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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