I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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