feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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