Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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