My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm passing your future prison.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
