Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
