Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
