Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
