im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
