She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike