Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
