I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Dating After Heartbreak
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.