I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
