Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
