we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
