May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
