Ambien. No doubt about it.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
