omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize