if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
