I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
