Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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