You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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