When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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