when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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