I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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