I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
