You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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