i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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