come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
