There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
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I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
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So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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