dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
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well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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