Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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