when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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