sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We have so much sex to catch up on
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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