remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
