I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
