Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
