why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
