Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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