I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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