If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
