it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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