im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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