remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
