i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
