Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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