She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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